SIDE 1
CHARLIE
How you doing, Buddy?
BUDDY
Um, fine Charlie, but… I guess I’m gonna be a little short on today’s quota.
CHARLIE
That’s all right, Buddy. Just tell me, how many Etch A Sketches® did you get finished?
BUDDY
I made, uh, eighty-five!
CHARLIE
Eighty-five? It’s ten a.m. and you’ve only made eighty-five?
BUDDY
Why don’t you just say it? I’m the worst toy maker in the whole wide world. I’m a Cotton-Headed-Ninny-Muggins.
CHARLIE
You’re not a Cotton-Headed-Ninny-Muggins. You have lots of talents, uh, special talents in fact, like, uh…
ELF #1
You’re the best basketball player in the whole North Pole!
ELF #2
Even better than Santa!
ELF #3
And you’re the only baritone in the Jinglesingers!
ELF #4
You bring us down a whole octave.
ELF #5
In a good way!
CHARLIE
See, Buddy? Hey, these elves are getting pretty thirsty. Would you mind doing a round with the cocoa cart?
BUDDY
Yay! Cocoa cart! Cocoa cart!
(BUDDY leaves. CHARLIE motions to SHAWANDA to join him.)
CHARLIE
Hey, Shawanda.
SHAWANDA
Yeah, Charlie?
CHARLIE
I hate to do this to you, but do you think you could pick up the slack with those Etch A Sketches®?
(BUDDY returns. He listens, unnoticed.)
SHAWANDA
No problem.
CHARLIE
I appreciate it. I feel bad for the big guy. I just hope he doesn’t get wise.
SHAWANDA
Well, if he hasn’t figured out by now that he’s a human I don’t think he ever will.
BUDDY
Human?!? I’m human?
(Beat.)
CHARLIE
(desperately whispering to ELF #1)
Get Santa!
(ELF #1 runs off to get SANTA.)
BUDDY
You said I’m human!
CHARLIE
No. No.
SHAWANDA
No, not you Buddy. We we’re talking about some other Buddy. Some Buddy… else.
BUDDY
No you weren’t!